it's all about You, Lord.

I hate writing. I hate letting people know how I am feeling. This was me once and somehow it became me again. There was a period of time when I was in love with feelings and sharing feelings and being real, and somewhere, that died. I don't like that. So i am changing that. With writing. Right now. 

I went to a new church this morning, which is a huge step for me...because I hate meeting new people...or used to hate it. 

This is the amazing thing. I have been praying for God to take away from my heart and hatred i have towards people, the judgment in thinking they will judge me, and to allow me to see people the way He sees them. I went to the church walking distance from my house, and I met new people, and it was fine. Sure, they didn't get to know me, and I was my normal awk-ward self, but I still met them. I was scared to do it on my own, so God led me to a place where He put people who were more outgoing, and introduced themselves to me. 

The message today was on prayer. Which is amazing. Prayer has been so heavy on my heart, and I see it working. I want to be able to pray more. I mean set a time to talk to God. I feel I am most always praying. Prayer is so important, and it is remarkable because for any worry your have, say a prayer, and it's done. Regardless of whether or not you get specially what you prayed for, God is still working. Prayer isn't instant, either. Sometimes it is. But it's about being able to trust that God is working in his own time.

I think I don't like writing anymore because I feel my words are just scrambled together, and make no sense. I have to think about it less. And just write.

My least favorite thing in the world is being distressed. I would not at all call myself a stressful person, in fact, i do not normally get stressed. I always know something will work out or get done and that there is little to worry about. So of course, when those moments come and I do get distressed, I freak out, because I don't like it. I need to release it. God always wins. 

ALWAYS. 

I love the song heart of worship. Hear it. Sing it. Live it.

Have a sensational day.

I am going to try to write a little more. It kinda helps. 

Don't forget about Christmas

Nothing else matters, guys. Seriously:

She was his girl; he was her boyfriend
She'd be his wife and make him her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling dribbling baby boy

The wise men came, three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary who for a reasonable fee, 
less than reputable was known to be.

His heart full of love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

When Jesus Christ was nailed to his tree
Said "oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene
Instead I fear I've spilled the blood of my children all around"

The blood of my children all around
The blood of my children's all around

So I'm told, so the story goes
The people he knew were
Less than golden hearted
Gamblers and Robbers
Drinkers and Jokers, all soul searchers
Like you and me 
Like you and me 

Rumors insisted he soon would be
For his deviations
Taken into custody
By the authorities less informed than he.
Drinkers and Jokers all soul searchers
Searching for love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said "eat this bread and think of it as me
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children's all around
The blood of our children all around

Father up above, why in all this hatred do you fill
Me up with love, love, love
Love love love
Love love was all around
Father up above, why in all this anger do you fill
Me up with love, fill me love love love
Love love love
all you need is love
you can't buy me love
Love love love
Love love 
And the blood of our children's all around

Oh just that one time the Jonas Brothers went to the barn with meghan and me and .....well, you know...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

perezzzieeess! vote now.

i'm just a teenager

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Who would you vote for?
Go to PerezHilton.com to vote!

it's mostly just cause i love kevin jonas and voted for everything related to him

Thank you, Jesus.

A new friend of mine reminded me of my past tonight. She told me about how she read my old blogs, and how i have this gift. I told her i was a much different person back then. It is weird to me for someone to read those and think of me now. Who i was then, is not who i am now, but in a way, it is. It was me in the making.

Although it was weird to think that after reading those, my old words, she might think of who i was then as who i am now, it was still kind of neat to see how someone could still appreciate my words, and it is also neat to see how sad i was then, and how much God has worked in my life.

From birth up until my freshman year of high school, fifteen years of life, i had hardly known what it was like to feel pain. I suppose i had gotten hurt in jr. high, but i don't think i felt it as much as i did that first year of high school. It may have been since i had gone to school with the same people since kindergarden, they didn't hurt as much as new people did.

I had been around the same teachings and the same teachers. I always knew Jesus. I knew I was a Christian and I knew there was a God. But I did not know what it was like to really have a relationship with Him.

When I went to high school, only seven people of my childhood joined me, and not really people I was great friends with. I had to meet new people, and I suppose it was odd for me to have to be around people who did not know me for over ten years, and to get them to like me in such a short period of time. This was the thing, i thought it didn't work. I was certain I was not liked, and this was Satan telling me I wasn't good enough.

I had not known what it was like to be truely hurt; I honestly do not remember it as bad as it was that year. It may have been because I was around new people, or just because I was closer than I had ever been before, and I did not want to lose that. The details are not nesseccary.

I was hurt by Jesus; that is what i thought in my head. I was numb. I was depressed. I was shocked and confused. Life was happening to me and I did not know what to do.

Fast forward three years, you have me: here and now. Still crazy, still naive, but changed, nonetheless, in an amazing way, and because of one reason: Jesus loves me.

I did not know what it was like to truely be in a relationship with Jesus Christ. He was someone that I had always known, and to me, I think I thought everyone knew him aswell. I knew there were missionaries and what not, but I really never knew what they were for. I just assumed everyone knew what I knew, and I was wrong.

I went into high school assuming things would be the same as they were in jr. high. We would have Bible class and be bubbled from the real world and bad words, but that was not the case. There were kids from all over the place. I judged them, only because I did not know annything else. I was not used to anything else.

"Alcohol? Drugs? But what about Red Ribbon Week? What about the D.A.R.E officers that came and talked to us? Sex? But what about CHOICES? What about those talks we were given?" My thoughts were confused. I didn't understand. I was shocked. I was scared. I forgot about Jesus, just a little bit, but that was enough.

I was still the girl who never did anything. I never had the mind to. I was tempted, but God protected me in that way. I didn't see it back then.

It has most definatly been a long four years, and it has also been an eventful four. Not as eventful as others, but full of things I supposed would never happen.

It was not until this year that I found a true, beautiful realtionship with Jesus Christ. I was always searching, always hoping, always preparing, but i was never there. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that He just loves me. There is nothing I can do about it. He just does.

Had someone asked me last year what I would say in the future that high school was like, I would have told them "Terrible." Ask me now, I will tell you "Amazing!" This is why: I will not look back on these past four years and only see broken hearts and lost friendships. I will not think of high school as a time when I just was not cool. When i just did not get along with the right people or fit in with the right group or say or wear or act the right way. I will look back on it and thank Jesus that He loves me as much as He does. I will look back and tell people "It was amazing because it was the time when i first TRUELY got to know Jesus. It was the time when i grew with Him the most." And for that I will forever be thankful; for the pain that I had, for the way I was. For the girl who wrote those silly blogs before. She is here, now, sitting in front of the same computer screen with a differnt mind, and a completely differntly broken heart. A heart that breaks for Jesus, not for boys. Ain't it funny how things work out like that.

Goodnight and goodbye.
The End.
Amen.


(i will revise this when i wake up a bit so hopefully it will make more sense, or have a meaning)

What is love. Don't hurt me.

I love this weather. It is finally fall. I do not remember the last time it was really fall, honestly. Last year was terrible. It was dead hot through December, then freezing when it was supposed to be hot again.

No fun, my friend. No fun at all. But lately it has been almost magical. I have worn my sweater everyday since i got it! 10 cents! Can't beat that. The air is fresh and cold and the sun is shining and it is officially fall and i am in love.

I am going back and forth, writing this and my short story.

Do you ever remember getting a feeling you had never felt before in your life? I remember freshman year the first time i held hand with a boy was the first time my stomach and my heart danced together.

Over the course of my high school career my stomach and my heart have become good friends. It makes sense since they live so close to each other. Today they encountered one of those feelings i will never forget.

I remember the exact day and outfit and place and everything in that joyful feeling of what i was describing above. And today, three years later, i will remember for a long time as well.

I have been jealous before, i remember being jealous, but i had never felt it like i did today. It was terrible. Awful, in fact. I hated it. I said out loud, "I hate this feeling! I want it to go away!"

I even laughed. I laughed because I hated so much and could not control it. It was horrible. I could not even look. I wanted to cry. I had never felt that before in my life. Either that or i have a worse memory than i thought.

I literally (no exaggeration!) felt my heart sink into my stomach and float there, unable to breath. Then moments later i felt it trying to put itself back together. Honest! That is the best way i can describe to you the feeling i felt.

It made me scared. I was trying to get rid of this feeling, or all the feelings i had felt. Nothing will happen. That is where my head is at. But my heart? My heart is still being comforted by my stomach, trying to figure all of this out.

I thought it went away. But i am an idiot of my own brain. I thought it had sunk in or something, you know? Okay, i saw it - the jealousy is done. But it hasn't. I literally felt like i couldn't breath and i hate it. This is stupid.

I am beginning to transfer my thoughts over to my english paper now.

I am a doofus.

I wanna get back

The bad thing about having a perfect day, or maybe even two in a row, is that when the day after it isn't as perfect, it feels alot worse.

But it is okay. Because the past two days were perfect. I love that word.

I am sittig in the school library with meghan and tim just walked up. hello tim.

This one goes out to meghan.

I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and i knew it was you i wanna ....thats the only line i know...sorry meghan.


Now for a more serious matter. God is great. Do not worry about anything. He is on your side. My head hurts and so does my neck and today was not as perfect as I would have liked but none of that matters because God is great and He is on my side and I am so happy. I want to hug Jesus.