Don't forget about Christmas

Nothing else matters, guys. Seriously:

She was his girl; he was her boyfriend
She'd be his wife and make him her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling dribbling baby boy

The wise men came, three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary who for a reasonable fee, 
less than reputable was known to be.

His heart full of love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

When Jesus Christ was nailed to his tree
Said "oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene
Instead I fear I've spilled the blood of my children all around"

The blood of my children all around
The blood of my children's all around

So I'm told, so the story goes
The people he knew were
Less than golden hearted
Gamblers and Robbers
Drinkers and Jokers, all soul searchers
Like you and me 
Like you and me 

Rumors insisted he soon would be
For his deviations
Taken into custody
By the authorities less informed than he.
Drinkers and Jokers all soul searchers
Searching for love love love
Love love love
Love love was all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said "eat this bread and think of it as me
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children's all around
The blood of our children all around

Father up above, why in all this hatred do you fill
Me up with love, love, love
Love love love
Love love was all around
Father up above, why in all this anger do you fill
Me up with love, fill me love love love
Love love love
all you need is love
you can't buy me love
Love love love
Love love 
And the blood of our children's all around

Oh just that one time the Jonas Brothers went to the barn with meghan and me and .....well, you know...

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i'm just a teenager

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it's mostly just cause i love kevin jonas and voted for everything related to him

Thank you, Jesus.

A new friend of mine reminded me of my past tonight. She told me about how she read my old blogs, and how i have this gift. I told her i was a much different person back then. It is weird to me for someone to read those and think of me now. Who i was then, is not who i am now, but in a way, it is. It was me in the making.

Although it was weird to think that after reading those, my old words, she might think of who i was then as who i am now, it was still kind of neat to see how someone could still appreciate my words, and it is also neat to see how sad i was then, and how much God has worked in my life.

From birth up until my freshman year of high school, fifteen years of life, i had hardly known what it was like to feel pain. I suppose i had gotten hurt in jr. high, but i don't think i felt it as much as i did that first year of high school. It may have been since i had gone to school with the same people since kindergarden, they didn't hurt as much as new people did.

I had been around the same teachings and the same teachers. I always knew Jesus. I knew I was a Christian and I knew there was a God. But I did not know what it was like to really have a relationship with Him.

When I went to high school, only seven people of my childhood joined me, and not really people I was great friends with. I had to meet new people, and I suppose it was odd for me to have to be around people who did not know me for over ten years, and to get them to like me in such a short period of time. This was the thing, i thought it didn't work. I was certain I was not liked, and this was Satan telling me I wasn't good enough.

I had not known what it was like to be truely hurt; I honestly do not remember it as bad as it was that year. It may have been because I was around new people, or just because I was closer than I had ever been before, and I did not want to lose that. The details are not nesseccary.

I was hurt by Jesus; that is what i thought in my head. I was numb. I was depressed. I was shocked and confused. Life was happening to me and I did not know what to do.

Fast forward three years, you have me: here and now. Still crazy, still naive, but changed, nonetheless, in an amazing way, and because of one reason: Jesus loves me.

I did not know what it was like to truely be in a relationship with Jesus Christ. He was someone that I had always known, and to me, I think I thought everyone knew him aswell. I knew there were missionaries and what not, but I really never knew what they were for. I just assumed everyone knew what I knew, and I was wrong.

I went into high school assuming things would be the same as they were in jr. high. We would have Bible class and be bubbled from the real world and bad words, but that was not the case. There were kids from all over the place. I judged them, only because I did not know annything else. I was not used to anything else.

"Alcohol? Drugs? But what about Red Ribbon Week? What about the D.A.R.E officers that came and talked to us? Sex? But what about CHOICES? What about those talks we were given?" My thoughts were confused. I didn't understand. I was shocked. I was scared. I forgot about Jesus, just a little bit, but that was enough.

I was still the girl who never did anything. I never had the mind to. I was tempted, but God protected me in that way. I didn't see it back then.

It has most definatly been a long four years, and it has also been an eventful four. Not as eventful as others, but full of things I supposed would never happen.

It was not until this year that I found a true, beautiful realtionship with Jesus Christ. I was always searching, always hoping, always preparing, but i was never there. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that He just loves me. There is nothing I can do about it. He just does.

Had someone asked me last year what I would say in the future that high school was like, I would have told them "Terrible." Ask me now, I will tell you "Amazing!" This is why: I will not look back on these past four years and only see broken hearts and lost friendships. I will not think of high school as a time when I just was not cool. When i just did not get along with the right people or fit in with the right group or say or wear or act the right way. I will look back on it and thank Jesus that He loves me as much as He does. I will look back and tell people "It was amazing because it was the time when i first TRUELY got to know Jesus. It was the time when i grew with Him the most." And for that I will forever be thankful; for the pain that I had, for the way I was. For the girl who wrote those silly blogs before. She is here, now, sitting in front of the same computer screen with a differnt mind, and a completely differntly broken heart. A heart that breaks for Jesus, not for boys. Ain't it funny how things work out like that.

Goodnight and goodbye.
The End.
Amen.


(i will revise this when i wake up a bit so hopefully it will make more sense, or have a meaning)

What is love. Don't hurt me.

I love this weather. It is finally fall. I do not remember the last time it was really fall, honestly. Last year was terrible. It was dead hot through December, then freezing when it was supposed to be hot again.

No fun, my friend. No fun at all. But lately it has been almost magical. I have worn my sweater everyday since i got it! 10 cents! Can't beat that. The air is fresh and cold and the sun is shining and it is officially fall and i am in love.

I am going back and forth, writing this and my short story.

Do you ever remember getting a feeling you had never felt before in your life? I remember freshman year the first time i held hand with a boy was the first time my stomach and my heart danced together.

Over the course of my high school career my stomach and my heart have become good friends. It makes sense since they live so close to each other. Today they encountered one of those feelings i will never forget.

I remember the exact day and outfit and place and everything in that joyful feeling of what i was describing above. And today, three years later, i will remember for a long time as well.

I have been jealous before, i remember being jealous, but i had never felt it like i did today. It was terrible. Awful, in fact. I hated it. I said out loud, "I hate this feeling! I want it to go away!"

I even laughed. I laughed because I hated so much and could not control it. It was horrible. I could not even look. I wanted to cry. I had never felt that before in my life. Either that or i have a worse memory than i thought.

I literally (no exaggeration!) felt my heart sink into my stomach and float there, unable to breath. Then moments later i felt it trying to put itself back together. Honest! That is the best way i can describe to you the feeling i felt.

It made me scared. I was trying to get rid of this feeling, or all the feelings i had felt. Nothing will happen. That is where my head is at. But my heart? My heart is still being comforted by my stomach, trying to figure all of this out.

I thought it went away. But i am an idiot of my own brain. I thought it had sunk in or something, you know? Okay, i saw it - the jealousy is done. But it hasn't. I literally felt like i couldn't breath and i hate it. This is stupid.

I am beginning to transfer my thoughts over to my english paper now.

I am a doofus.

I wanna get back

The bad thing about having a perfect day, or maybe even two in a row, is that when the day after it isn't as perfect, it feels alot worse.

But it is okay. Because the past two days were perfect. I love that word.

I am sittig in the school library with meghan and tim just walked up. hello tim.

This one goes out to meghan.

I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and i knew it was you i wanna ....thats the only line i know...sorry meghan.


Now for a more serious matter. God is great. Do not worry about anything. He is on your side. My head hurts and so does my neck and today was not as perfect as I would have liked but none of that matters because God is great and He is on my side and I am so happy. I want to hug Jesus.

What the heart wants.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Ps 37:4

It is so simple, but we make it so difficult. The answer is too easy, so we try to find a different way around it; something more challenging, something more entertaining, perhaps. But those ways will not get us the desires of our hearts. Most of the time we do not even know what our true desires are, or we get them and realize they weren't what we wanted all along. That line from the movie, The Wedding Date, where they say that every woman is in the exact relationship she desires to be in. That's funny because it's so true. Even if you're "alone" deep down that could be what you really want. I think that's what i want. For fear, of course. I'm afraid. I am the only person I can count on, which is a scary thought, cause I can hardly count on myself. But at least I know I won't leave...not physically at least.

I used to be really good at things like photography and writing. They used to come really easy to me. I am afraid I have lost a little bit of the talent I once had. I'm careless with the camera and thoughtless in words. My English class is all about writing and I feel like a moron everytime my pen hits the paper. I cannot think. It makes me sad. It's funny how when I was better at those things, it was when I believed it the least. Now that I have gained just a bit of confidence, some other things have gotten replaced. How sad, confidence for talent. Which one would you want? Looking back...I think I would want talent. Like I said, I am afraid - afraid of losing friends, getting close again, being found out. Lack of confidence lost friendships for me, but if all I can count on is myself, why not just take my talent and run with it, even if I believe I am not great.

I do think I am great in some areas, but again there is that fear. I'm afraid I am not great enough. I know I can be good at things I love and I know there are areas that I just know I am not great in. But if I do not believe I am the best at what I am good at, then all is lost. Lack of condifence loses friends and talent. So which do I choose? It's a vicious world. I do not know where any of this came from.

I just want to be in heaven.

That's so die.

I am home from the cruise to Cabo San Lucas. It's been a year (so it seems). I've missed so many people but I am home now and we can all play again.

My current annoyance is most defiantly Lomeli photography and their uber-lame (understatement) senior portraits poses. I believe the fashion television world such as America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and most recently, The Rachel Zoe Project have made me adore high fashion so much more, and now everytime i step in front of a camera I want to be fabulous and model-esc and of course, my natural care-free fun self. But the lame-oh photographers and their highschool poses frustrated me to the ut-most-maximum. I felt "gay." And not like the fun fabulous gay like Brad from Rachel Zoe (who has stolen my heart and is my new love) but the stupid really lame gay that makes me feel just .... stupid. I cannot think of words. I do not want to lay down in front of a podium from the days of toga's or cross my legs or bend one arm slightly or tilt my head. I want to jump and laugh and be natural and have to camera capture my purest moments. I decided i will take my own senior pictures and print them at target. It seems easier. I do not have the balls to ask the photographer if i can just dance in front of the camera.

Rachel Zoe is fabulous and it makes me want to be a fashion model everyday. I like doing makeup and hair and wearing clothes and feeling like a walking piece of art. Even if it's a silly piece of art, it's my art. I love it. I believe that is all for now.

I get in n out tomorrow with fabulous people. I am excited.

Ta ta.

Come out and play with me

My dear friend kelsey made me realize how much i love to write. I used to do this all the time. Then i got sick of writing about myself for fear no one would care. But now i do not care if anyone reads this because it's not about them. I want to talk about important things i think about and random things as well. And whoever feels the need to read them, hazzah!

I am excited to do this. I am currently taking writing experience at school and very sad to see how awful of a writer i am. I cannot think. I have to write a paper about my favorite place and i cannot think of what that is. It's probably my couch. Which says a lot about me.

Tomorrow I leave for cabo and i am most certainly not ready to walk around in bathing suit for 5 days straight. I am also going to miss my dears friends very much. I do hope that i do not end up like charolette charles. Even though she ended up living, she still cannot touch the one she loves. It's odd. I am usually careless about dying. Not in a scary way at all, but i get to go to heaven so its much greater. But for the first time in a long time, i actually enjoy living a bit.

I am mostly okay with starting to write again because i am caring less about other peoples thoughts and taking kelsey's advice and just being! I am not going to stop doing things because i think that it is what the world wants me to do. I am doing what i LOVE!

Amen.