The bad thing about having a perfect day, or maybe even two in a row, is that when the day after it isn't as perfect, it feels alot worse.
But it is okay. Because the past two days were perfect. I love that word.
I am sittig in the school library with meghan and tim just walked up. hello tim.
This one goes out to meghan.
I wanna get back to the old days when the phone would ring and i knew it was you i wanna ....thats the only line i know...sorry meghan.
Now for a more serious matter. God is great. Do not worry about anything. He is on your side. My head hurts and so does my neck and today was not as perfect as I would have liked but none of that matters because God is great and He is on my side and I am so happy. I want to hug Jesus.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
What the heart wants.
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Ps 37:4
It is so simple, but we make it so difficult. The answer is too easy, so we try to find a different way around it; something more challenging, something more entertaining, perhaps. But those ways will not get us the desires of our hearts. Most of the time we do not even know what our true desires are, or we get them and realize they weren't what we wanted all along. That line from the movie, The Wedding Date, where they say that every woman is in the exact relationship she desires to be in. That's funny because it's so true. Even if you're "alone" deep down that could be what you really want. I think that's what i want. For fear, of course. I'm afraid. I am the only person I can count on, which is a scary thought, cause I can hardly count on myself. But at least I know I won't leave...not physically at least.
I used to be really good at things like photography and writing. They used to come really easy to me. I am afraid I have lost a little bit of the talent I once had. I'm careless with the camera and thoughtless in words. My English class is all about writing and I feel like a moron everytime my pen hits the paper. I cannot think. It makes me sad. It's funny how when I was better at those things, it was when I believed it the least. Now that I have gained just a bit of confidence, some other things have gotten replaced. How sad, confidence for talent. Which one would you want? Looking back...I think I would want talent. Like I said, I am afraid - afraid of losing friends, getting close again, being found out. Lack of confidence lost friendships for me, but if all I can count on is myself, why not just take my talent and run with it, even if I believe I am not great.
I do think I am great in some areas, but again there is that fear. I'm afraid I am not great enough. I know I can be good at things I love and I know there are areas that I just know I am not great in. But if I do not believe I am the best at what I am good at, then all is lost. Lack of condifence loses friends and talent. So which do I choose? It's a vicious world. I do not know where any of this came from.
I just want to be in heaven.
It is so simple, but we make it so difficult. The answer is too easy, so we try to find a different way around it; something more challenging, something more entertaining, perhaps. But those ways will not get us the desires of our hearts. Most of the time we do not even know what our true desires are, or we get them and realize they weren't what we wanted all along. That line from the movie, The Wedding Date, where they say that every woman is in the exact relationship she desires to be in. That's funny because it's so true. Even if you're "alone" deep down that could be what you really want. I think that's what i want. For fear, of course. I'm afraid. I am the only person I can count on, which is a scary thought, cause I can hardly count on myself. But at least I know I won't leave...not physically at least.
I used to be really good at things like photography and writing. They used to come really easy to me. I am afraid I have lost a little bit of the talent I once had. I'm careless with the camera and thoughtless in words. My English class is all about writing and I feel like a moron everytime my pen hits the paper. I cannot think. It makes me sad. It's funny how when I was better at those things, it was when I believed it the least. Now that I have gained just a bit of confidence, some other things have gotten replaced. How sad, confidence for talent. Which one would you want? Looking back...I think I would want talent. Like I said, I am afraid - afraid of losing friends, getting close again, being found out. Lack of confidence lost friendships for me, but if all I can count on is myself, why not just take my talent and run with it, even if I believe I am not great.
I do think I am great in some areas, but again there is that fear. I'm afraid I am not great enough. I know I can be good at things I love and I know there are areas that I just know I am not great in. But if I do not believe I am the best at what I am good at, then all is lost. Lack of condifence loses friends and talent. So which do I choose? It's a vicious world. I do not know where any of this came from.
I just want to be in heaven.
Monday, September 15, 2008
That's so die.
I am home from the cruise to Cabo San Lucas. It's been a year (so it seems). I've missed so many people but I am home now and we can all play again.
My current annoyance is most defiantly Lomeli photography and their uber-lame (understatement) senior portraits poses. I believe the fashion television world such as America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and most recently, The Rachel Zoe Project have made me adore high fashion so much more, and now everytime i step in front of a camera I want to be fabulous and model-esc and of course, my natural care-free fun self. But the lame-oh photographers and their highschool poses frustrated me to the ut-most-maximum. I felt "gay." And not like the fun fabulous gay like Brad from Rachel Zoe (who has stolen my heart and is my new love) but the stupid really lame gay that makes me feel just .... stupid. I cannot think of words. I do not want to lay down in front of a podium from the days of toga's or cross my legs or bend one arm slightly or tilt my head. I want to jump and laugh and be natural and have to camera capture my purest moments. I decided i will take my own senior pictures and print them at target. It seems easier. I do not have the balls to ask the photographer if i can just dance in front of the camera.
Rachel Zoe is fabulous and it makes me want to be a fashion model everyday. I like doing makeup and hair and wearing clothes and feeling like a walking piece of art. Even if it's a silly piece of art, it's my art. I love it. I believe that is all for now.
I get in n out tomorrow with fabulous people. I am excited.
Ta ta.
My current annoyance is most defiantly Lomeli photography and their uber-lame (understatement) senior portraits poses. I believe the fashion television world such as America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and most recently, The Rachel Zoe Project have made me adore high fashion so much more, and now everytime i step in front of a camera I want to be fabulous and model-esc and of course, my natural care-free fun self. But the lame-oh photographers and their highschool poses frustrated me to the ut-most-maximum. I felt "gay." And not like the fun fabulous gay like Brad from Rachel Zoe (who has stolen my heart and is my new love) but the stupid really lame gay that makes me feel just .... stupid. I cannot think of words. I do not want to lay down in front of a podium from the days of toga's or cross my legs or bend one arm slightly or tilt my head. I want to jump and laugh and be natural and have to camera capture my purest moments. I decided i will take my own senior pictures and print them at target. It seems easier. I do not have the balls to ask the photographer if i can just dance in front of the camera.
Rachel Zoe is fabulous and it makes me want to be a fashion model everyday. I like doing makeup and hair and wearing clothes and feeling like a walking piece of art. Even if it's a silly piece of art, it's my art. I love it. I believe that is all for now.
I get in n out tomorrow with fabulous people. I am excited.
Ta ta.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Come out and play with me
My dear friend kelsey made me realize how much i love to write. I used to do this all the time. Then i got sick of writing about myself for fear no one would care. But now i do not care if anyone reads this because it's not about them. I want to talk about important things i think about and random things as well. And whoever feels the need to read them, hazzah!
I am excited to do this. I am currently taking writing experience at school and very sad to see how awful of a writer i am. I cannot think. I have to write a paper about my favorite place and i cannot think of what that is. It's probably my couch. Which says a lot about me.
Tomorrow I leave for cabo and i am most certainly not ready to walk around in bathing suit for 5 days straight. I am also going to miss my dears friends very much. I do hope that i do not end up like charolette charles. Even though she ended up living, she still cannot touch the one she loves. It's odd. I am usually careless about dying. Not in a scary way at all, but i get to go to heaven so its much greater. But for the first time in a long time, i actually enjoy living a bit.
I am mostly okay with starting to write again because i am caring less about other peoples thoughts and taking kelsey's advice and just being! I am not going to stop doing things because i think that it is what the world wants me to do. I am doing what i LOVE!
Amen.
I am excited to do this. I am currently taking writing experience at school and very sad to see how awful of a writer i am. I cannot think. I have to write a paper about my favorite place and i cannot think of what that is. It's probably my couch. Which says a lot about me.
Tomorrow I leave for cabo and i am most certainly not ready to walk around in bathing suit for 5 days straight. I am also going to miss my dears friends very much. I do hope that i do not end up like charolette charles. Even though she ended up living, she still cannot touch the one she loves. It's odd. I am usually careless about dying. Not in a scary way at all, but i get to go to heaven so its much greater. But for the first time in a long time, i actually enjoy living a bit.
I am mostly okay with starting to write again because i am caring less about other peoples thoughts and taking kelsey's advice and just being! I am not going to stop doing things because i think that it is what the world wants me to do. I am doing what i LOVE!
Amen.
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